It’s an amazing thing just what pregnancy can do to you! Hormones are off the charts ridiculous. This weekend we found out we were having another boy. While I am excited for my son to have a little brother to grow up with and do lots of neat boy things together, and share that amazing bond that brothers have, I do have to say I was disappointed we weren’t having a girl. Not that I would wish my son was a girl, but that I wish we would have a daughter. If that makes sense…..
I just have a deep longing to have a daughter where I can make cute headbands and bows for, and go get mother daughter manis and pedis, take her shopping, help her choose her prom dress, help her get ready for her wedding….stuff like that. Things that you just don’t do with boys. I know there will be plenty of fun things to do with my boys and I am looking forward to that, but I also feel like I need to mourn the daughter I may never have as well.
Now logically speaking, I know we can always adopt a girl or try again for a girl, but right now anyways, I am afraid of taking that chance at trying again in fear of losing that possibility for a daughter!
This weekend also happened to be Mother’s Day. But because of all these pregnancy emotions going haywire in response to not having a daughter, it wasn’t as special as it should’ve been. Thank you hormones. I spent most of my weekend bawling my eyes out. I don’t consider myself an overly emotional woman one bit. I mean, I hate crying and will do everything in my power to not cry. Especially in front of people. But this weekend I could not stop the water works! It was a weird feeling because as we were sitting in church on Sunday, I had to keep excusing myself to the bathroom to cry some more because I just kept having this overwhelming feeling. I felt like I had legitimately lost a child. I don’t know if it was a subconscious response to seeing so many mothers lately lose their young children to accidents or cancer, but it was a scary and very real feeling that I hope and pray I will never have again. My heart definitely goes out to the parents that have lost a child. If this was even a sliver of how you must feel, I pray God gives you great comfort.
I know that God has placed this new little boy in our care for a very big and great reason and I know God will do amazing things through my boys and through my family. He wouldn’t give me two precious boys for nothing. I also know that God answers our prayers and gives us the longings of our hearts. So I know that one of two things will happen. 1. God will change my heart to be content with my adorable little boys and being surrounded by men, or 2. He will indeed give me a girl, whether it be genetically or through adoption. Now that I feel a little bit less emotional today, I am actually able to see these promises and hopes and even believe them for my life and for our family.
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